If I had to choose a superpower, it would not be mind-reading or the ability to fly. I wish that I could sit inside my son’s body for about 20 minutes, so that I can feel what he is feeling. Although I’d probably scream the entire time I’m in there.
I feel so lost all the time. I question whether I’m doing more harm than good. We’ve been to doctor after doctor, and I am still in the same helpless place. Watching your child, even an adult child, with autism writhe in pain every day is heartbreaking.
He’s had a CT scan, but nothing showed up. They keep giving him prescriptions to try. Sometimes they work, sometimes not. I had an amazing integrative medicine specialist a while back, but she is no longer practicing. So back to square one I go.
I would imagine many parents go through the same thing. You have a question and hope that the doctors have the answer, or at least an explanation. Then you get that glossed-over look as if you asked for the location of the fountain of youth.
All the while I am screaming inside, “I don’t need you to cure his autism! I just want him to feel comfortable in his own body!” To a certain extent, I can understand. He is absolutely perfect when we are there. He’s afraid and does not make a sound. Besides, if they press on his stomach, he won’t move away or make a sound in discomfort. He’s just too compliant.
Giving him medications he may not need scares me. Am I doing more harm than good? This is why parents travel to different states looking for help.
It shouldn’t be this way. It shouldn’t be the luck of the draw. Autism is incredibly prevalent, and we are still clueless? My sociology teacher explained to us that medicine is a practice and not a science. I remind myself of that every time. It keeps me from being angry. They just don’t know.
So, on to the next and probably another after that. It’s love that keeps me going and the exhaustive torment of watching him suffer. That’s why I can’t lay it down and decide to no longer fight. There will be an answer. There will be a way through.
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